It’s never far my mind, it’s always there, it may not show but the facts never leave. I know I have a chronically ill child, who now is facing cancer and I know we were told it’s treatable and curable but it’s still cancer and we’ve seen time and time again our poor kid be thrown the worst things health wise. My actions show me trudging on, soldering on, but if you stop and looked you would see I’m really not, if you just stopped and looked me dead in the eyes and asked am I ok and really meant it, I would crumble.
I know we get called strong and resilient and get told “I just don’t know how you do it”. To be honest sometimes I don’t think I do do it. Somedays are an absolute struggle and I feel awful and so deeply dark inside and I have to just push on and make sure meds are taken, treatments done, appointments attended, go to work, make sure the washings done and we have food in the house. We get told by social workers and psychologists that we “cope too well”, that’s what the outside world sees and why we don’t get offered help. I call BULLSHIT! What the FUCK does that mean? I don’t understand, am I supposed to not function, not push through and do the very best for my child, for my family, for me? I’ve been vulnerable, I’ve asked for help and every time, EVERY DAMN TIME we get nothing. Limited help even from the closest people we know because they don’t know what to do! You know why though because they don’t ask questions, they don’t want to know because it’s hard, it’s sad and it’s soul destroying so they protect themselves. I don’t get that choice. I have to face it. I can’t hide neither can my kid! I have to sit in tiny rooms with Doctors with serious and glum faces while they deliver diagnosis' or test results. I have to try and remember what they just said and hold it together as I have to walk back in and see my sweet little man’s face.
I ran into someone today, who I haven’t seen in I think 15+ years. We’ve stayed in contact on social media and watched our kids grow up in pictures shared on screens. That’s where I watched her daughter be diagnosed with cancer, go through treatment, get better, get sick again and eventually succumb to cancer. I have watched over the past years on a screen my friend celebrate milestones for her daughter that she never reached. I found her daughter’s name on the special tree in the ICU garden at QCH, not many people see this space. The day after Cadel’s PTLD diagnosis was her daughter’s 2 year anniversary of her passing. When Cadel got diagnosed she reached out as she had some advice and support. We have messaged briefly but today I saw her. We were at Costco. I saw her first and to be honest I pretended I didn’t and kept moving. I was afraid. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to hold it together. She caught up to me and I could feel her looking at me. I looked up, we made eye contact and I saw her eyes. I saw her broken sad eyes too. I held it together. I did because Cadel was there too. We chatted and she gave some advice to Cadel and me. We embraced and it was a tough interaction as I found myself trying to make Cadel’s battle less, smaller as she had lost her child. Why I did that I’ll never know, if anything she understands. I just couldn’t get past the pity eyes from her, she has been through absolute hell and she still had pity eyes for us.
I don’t know if I said the right things or acted the right way but it’s done. I can’t have a do over. That hug felt different though. It was a “I know, I know” hug and I can’t explain that. It was from one sad and broken mum to another and not one anyone watching would understand. In that moment our challenges with children were acknowledged like so many tend to ignore.
I hope my friend felt that too and she knows I’m never not thinking of her and her loss too.
Not sure this one makes sense as I just needed to empty my thoughts.
Thanks for reading
K 🚂
