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Tuesday, 28 April 2015

Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes!

I stood back out of sight, hidden behind the glass. I couldn't hear what was going on I just watched like an audience member of a silent movie. I watched as you stood there watching the kids play. I wondered what was going through your head. I hoped that you had the confidence to join in. I hoped that you didn't feel left out. I hoped that you didn't feel different. I hoped that you felt secure.  I willed myself to move. I could stand here all day watching and hoping but that won't help you. As I turned and walked out I hoped that I am doing the right thing. That you fit in, that you make friends, that you let others in and they find out how wonderful you are and how much you can contribute to this world. I hoped that they realise how much you will make them a better person just by knowing you. I know that is how I feel. I hope that you can teach them all a little something. Even if it is to get up and fight, especially when life kicks you to the ground more times then you count up to! 
All I can do is hope that I have done enough to help prepare you for these big moments that will soon pass and be small memories. 

This morning I dropped Cadel off to Kindy as I do most Tuesday's and Wednesday's but today felt different. I am not sure why but it did. This week the signs went up at school announcing that they are taking enrolments for next year. This scared me and gave me goosebumps. I am not entirely sure that he is ready for school or that I am ready for him to go to school. He is my baby. He will be my last to have that first day at school but then throw in all the challenges that Cadel and us as a family have faced and whoa I want to chuck the brakes on. I know school next year is a a long time away and he will learn new things at Kindy, his speech will improve, it already is, he will learn to use the toilet independently and we are aiming to have him swallowing his enzymes by school starting too. It's a lot of pressure for the little guy and for me. I feel very much under pressure to have it all done and sorted so that Cadel can slot into school like every other average 4/5 year old. I know he is far from the average 4/5 year old but I want him to have the average experience at school and not be left behind. 

This morning when I dropped off Cadel he wasn't that keen on going, admissions, illness and other family circumstances have interrupted his kindy   routine so we are slowly get back into it.  One of the boys came running over and said "Hello Cadel" "Do you want to play ninjas with us?"  It warmed my heart because it meant that the other kids were including him. They weren't worried that he doesn't speak much, or that he still wears nappies, that he needs medicines when eating or that he has a funny button on his tummy. They wanted him to play with them. Such a relief for this worrying Mumma. Relief and confirmation that I am doing the right thing. All my hopes are being answered. I will never stop hoping or worrying but we are moving forward. Sometimes a little faster then I would like but we are moving forward which is big and something to be celebrated and I am not going to let him take a step back. 

Take big steps my lil' man and you will change the world with those steps everytime. I will be here as always waiting  to catch you if you fall and give you a hand to stand back up again. 


  1. Cadel you are showing us all what a great little fellow you are. Just one step at a time. You are very lucky that you have a loving father mother and older siblings to help you through the good and bad times. Blacker family keep up the good work. Love you all. P

  2. Thank you so much for writing this. I am also the mother of a toddler who has cf and I read this particular entry of your blog every time my little man moves one step forward as it really gives voice to my heart and soul. Love to you all M


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